Friends after a break up?

Question:

My ex and I broke up six months ago. We managed to stay on good terms, and he considers me his best friend. We used to call each other about everything until recently. Now he doesn’t call me as often or return my phone calls quickly. I spoke to him the other evening and suggested that I come for a visit, since we live in different states now. We haven't seen each other for a while, and I miss my friend.

He kept telling me that he thought it wasn't a good idea. I asked what the problem was, and I finally got him to tell me that he has a new girlfriend! I'm OK with that, but it seems that he is not. He says it would be awkward for me to be there and that he wouldn't like an ex of hers staying with her for a few days. He said he didn't want to tell me he was seeing someone, and I don't understand why. What should I do—just back off until he comes to me in his own time?

Answer:

I’m from the When Harry Met Sally school, where former lovers can’t be friends—unless a long period of time has elapsed. For example, let’s say you used to date someone and then you re-meet years later. If there’s no sexual tension now, you can agree to enjoy a platonic friendship. That’s one scenario where friendship with an ex can work after a time.

You guys were together only six months ago. Whenever a breakup occurs, one or both people may have a tough time shifting into single life again. Of course, the longer a couple was together, the more difficult the re-entry period. Single people today have invented what they believe to be an allegedly painless transition. They call it “friendship.” But this state of affairs isn’t friendship at all.

Friends are supposed to feel free to discuss their lives with each other. Your “friend” neglected to tell you he was dating someone he seriously liked. What kind of friendship is that? Have I made my point?

You say you don’t understand. I think you do—but you don’t want to accept the truth. His feelings for you were more meaningful to him than you believed they were. It’s terrific that you were able to walk away without lingering romantic feelings. Many people cannot. Your ex is a good guy with tremendous character. He doesn’t want to contaminate his current romance with his past—meaning with you.

Your best bet is to absorb all of this, refocus and move on. This man is no longer your boyfriend, and he’s clearly not your friend, either. You can’t force a friendship with someone who is resistant to it.

For the future, I suggest you steer clear of relationships that are loosely defined. In the game of relating, people have to know the rules, the boundaries, and the benefits. Had you and your ex honestly discussed this early on, I believe you would never have assigned the title of “friendship” to your current status. As my Gilda-Gram advises, “Clean breaks are always the healthiest.”